I'll be honest. The past few weeks have been absolutely a train wreck. I am a genuinely happy person but there is something about the grieving process that is just overwhelmingly emotional for me.
That's just how God made me. When I get upset I cry. When I get overly happy I cry. That's ok.
We miscarried the pregnancy of our second child. But there was no child. (I know weird right?)
Trust me we didn't even know this could happen until it happened to us April 12th.
I felt led to write this one because I've always been a writer and it helps me draw out what I need to in order to get through certain moments. And two it will spread the word that these uncommon pregnancy do happen in one in every 1500 pregnancies.
I understand that not everyone's responses during a miscarriage of any type of pregnancy are helpful. Sometimes they're even stressful. But I know, they come from the love they have for me...even if they don't know what to say. . . or they say the wrong thing that makes me want to cry. Its ok. :)
Trust me this isn't even easy for me to write...yesterday was Easter...I couldn't even stay for the entire Sunday service. I was just that much of an emotional wreck. But rather than stuff my feelings down. . . I know I have to let them out. Otherwise its not healthy for me, my family nor anything else in my life.
I was very angry at first when we found out how this was going to end. My initial thought was oh my gosh seriously this whole time I was pregnant with nothing!! Really? Why in the world would I have to go through this?!? It doesn't make sense, I don't get it!! This isn't fair...we've done everything right and this is what we get....nothing!!!
Then when people started asking. . . they didn't know this was possible either.
This type of pregnancy is called a blighted ovum. I was still pregnant. I was still emotionally and physically pregnant with a gestational sac and an egg....but it was empty. It was growing....my belly was growing...but I was hosting an empty egg. Nothing.
People have said, well at least it wasn't a real baby. Or....at least your still have your daughter. This is not helpful. I'm just being honest that yes I know you see the blessings I still have...I see them too but for a brief moment I need to just get over this....to let my grief go....
The medical explanation of a blighted ovum is:
Your body doesn't recognize that no baby is developing inside the sac, because pregnancy hormones are still being produced, which prevent a miscarriage.
That's just how God made me. When I get upset I cry. When I get overly happy I cry. That's ok.
We miscarried the pregnancy of our second child. But there was no child. (I know weird right?)
Trust me we didn't even know this could happen until it happened to us April 12th.
I felt led to write this one because I've always been a writer and it helps me draw out what I need to in order to get through certain moments. And two it will spread the word that these uncommon pregnancy do happen in one in every 1500 pregnancies.
I understand that not everyone's responses during a miscarriage of any type of pregnancy are helpful. Sometimes they're even stressful. But I know, they come from the love they have for me...even if they don't know what to say. . . or they say the wrong thing that makes me want to cry. Its ok. :)
Trust me this isn't even easy for me to write...yesterday was Easter...I couldn't even stay for the entire Sunday service. I was just that much of an emotional wreck. But rather than stuff my feelings down. . . I know I have to let them out. Otherwise its not healthy for me, my family nor anything else in my life.
I was very angry at first when we found out how this was going to end. My initial thought was oh my gosh seriously this whole time I was pregnant with nothing!! Really? Why in the world would I have to go through this?!? It doesn't make sense, I don't get it!! This isn't fair...we've done everything right and this is what we get....nothing!!!
Then when people started asking. . . they didn't know this was possible either.
This type of pregnancy is called a blighted ovum. I was still pregnant. I was still emotionally and physically pregnant with a gestational sac and an egg....but it was empty. It was growing....my belly was growing...but I was hosting an empty egg. Nothing.
People have said, well at least it wasn't a real baby. Or....at least your still have your daughter. This is not helpful. I'm just being honest that yes I know you see the blessings I still have...I see them too but for a brief moment I need to just get over this....to let my grief go....
The medical explanation of a blighted ovum is:
"The
sac will continue to grow and grow, and most women do not know there is no baby
until an ultrasound is done. Your pregnancy symptoms will seem to go away. A
blighted ovum is believed to be caused by an egg or sperm with poor genetic
material. When the egg is fertilized, instead of creating both a sac and a
baby, the part that should be a baby never grows.
Sometimes, the cells that would have become the embryo fail. This is
probably due to there being too many or too few chromosomes during
fertilisation. But the cells that become the placenta and membranes keep
developing, so the pregnancy sac continues to grow, and the placenta starts to
form. It's not the mother nor father's fault these things just simply happen without explanation. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either party.
Your body doesn't recognize that no baby is developing inside the sac, because pregnancy hormones are still being produced, which prevent a miscarriage.
It can come as quite a shock when you're told this. You may struggle to
accept it, and need time to come to terms with the news you were least
expecting to hear.
These are random in nature and the woman's next
pregnancy has a reasonable chance of being normal.
Another common misunderstanding about miscarriage is that
a woman will experience less grief if she loses the baby early in her
pregnancy. But most researchers have not been able to find an association
between the length of gestation and intensity of grief, anxiety or depression (Research in Nursing & Health).
A woman who has lost her child at 11 weeks may be as distraught as a woman who
has lost her child at 20 weeks, says Jaffe's co-author, Martha Diamond, PhD."
Coping:
Blighted ovum can be a traumatic diagnosis when it comes unexpected; like in chemical pregnancy, it can sound like there was never a baby. Friends and relatives may not understand why a woman grieves a blighted ovum. In a blighted ovum, it is true that the baby did not develop enough to be visible on ultrasound, but a conception did occur and the pregnancy did exist -- and it is OK to grieve the loss of the baby.
Things are just a wreck. I know this won't be forever. This is only a season and as a family we will be alright.
The psalmist David, said bless the Lord oh my soul........he didn't want to....he made himself. David knew what it was to go through times when he didn't want to praise the Lord.
Psalm 28:7
7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
In Shelby's lightheartedness she's been a joy to be around and has uplifted us so much. The joy of the Lord is our strength.
To all of our family and friends....even though we may not feel like talking....being around a lot of people at the present moment.......... we are deeply grateful for all the prayers and thoughts for us. In the days ahead I know I will have happy days....sad days...angry days....but this will not last forever....and I will press on.....
Humbly,
Mrs. Z
